An Apology


Image Courtesy – Ketut Subiyanto on

The constant murmurs in the head continued endlessly as the laptop screen blacked out repeatedly, even with his face just inches away.

The mind refused to bring an end to the rumination of what occurred yesterday; the words he used, the feelings he went through, the trouble he experienced, everything was re-fluxing constantly no matter how hard he tried concentrating on the work at hand.

The eyes stared at the screen but the mind couldn’t process; the self, broken into two halves, had one still living in the past, refusing to budge, while the other travelled back and forth between the past and the present.

If I have said that; if I would have remained quiet; If I would have listened; the ifs suddenly started deluging the mind, overwhelming both his soul and heart.

‘I am still waiting for your revert’ an email from a colleague working in the product team announced its arrival in the mailbox.

His fingers reluctantly touched the keyboard, unwilling to press the keys.  A deep breath followed by random punching led to an even quicker deletion as the body turned still again, forcing him to close his eyes.

The mind’s eye suddenly could see every moment of yesterday’s experience now.

The head turned heavy, and the breathing became wheezy, the eyes and shoulders drooped and his attention remained wayward.

The hands moved to drink from a takeaway cup but suddenly threw away the water in the dustbin underneath, the mind realized what happened, after the ankles and socks cried in wet pain, the eyes still stared at his empty hands though.

‘I am turning crazy,’ he murmured, his conscience shouting out loud to confirm his confession.

The hands finally stretched out to reach for the mobile lying quietly since morning on the desk, as quiet as a dead man.  Hooking it a few times, he pressed the call button before disconnecting abruptly and placed the phone back on the desk.

Stretching his legs and body on the back of the chair, he took a loud sigh; loud enough for people to take notice, closed his eyes and slipped into a temporary stupor.

‘Things can’t get worse than this,’ a voice now murmured.

The eyes suddenly opened, and his hands reached out for the phone, tapping on the screen quickly, he called up the same number again.

‘Haan (yes)’ a voice trembling with sadness replied at the other end. 

‘I am sorry,’ he spoke in a choked voice.

There was, however, complete silence at the other end.

‘I am sorry too,’ he heard her speak again after almost an eternity. 

The eyes suddenly turned moist, as he got up from his seat quickly.

Instinctively closing down the laptop, he walked past his chair and into the corridor, with the lunch box in his left hand, he pulled out the car keys with his right from the right pocket.

‘It’s time to leave early today,’ he muttered. The gloomy face finally lit up with a smile as his feet moved swiftly towards the parking lot.

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